


Five Times Kurt Tried to Reach Out to Blaine... and One Time Blaine Reached Back

by flaming_muse



Category: Glee
Genre: Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-03
Updated: 2012-05-03
Packaged: 2017-11-04 18:49:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/397064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaming_muse/pseuds/flaming_muse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt can feel Blaine growing more distant.  He tries to do something about it.</p>
<p>set before and during 3x17 ("Dance With Somebody")</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Kurt Tried to Reach Out to Blaine... and One Time Blaine Reached Back

1.

Thanking the barista, Kurt turned from the counter with a cup in each hand. He saw that Blaine had found them a table halfway across the Lima Bean and started toward him, frowning a little at the way Blaine was staring at the tabletop while he waited for Kurt to join him. He looked like he could barely find the motivation to hold his head up; he clearly needed a jolt of caffeine if he was going to get through their standing Thursday morning coffee date, nevertheless the school day ahead.

Making his way over and sitting down in the chair opposite him, Kurt smiled encouragingly and slid Blaine's cup across the smooth surface of the table to him. "Here you are. This will help."

"Help what?" Blaine asked, wrapping his hand around the warm paper cup.

Kurt gestured to Blaine's face. "Wake you up. You look tired."

"Oh." Blaine shrugged and took a sip of his coffee. "Thank you."

"Any time." Kurt settled back in his chair, relishing the bittersweet taste of his mocha and the handsome - if drawn - face of his boyfriend across from him. He had a busy day ahead, and the cafe was bustling around them with people on their way to work, but there was something so satisfying about the simplicity of the moment, where it was all about the two of them. Their schedules hadn't been lining up recently, and he was missing those special times he loved when they could tune out everything else.

Blaine took another drink, his eyes drifting away to the window behind Kurt.

"Did you sleep badly last night?" Kurt asked, watching him with a flare of concern; it was difficult for it to be all about them if Blaine was barely focused enough to be in the conversation. "I can send you my recipe for warm milk again; the secret is a little grind of nutmeg right at the end. It has to be fresh off of the nut, though. I use the spice grater Carole bought me at Christmas, but any microplane will do."

"No, I'm okay," Blaine said. He blinked back to Kurt and wrinkled up his nose. "And you know how I feel about warm milk."

Kurt dipped his head to the side, not quite agreeing. "You still haven't had _my_ warm milk," he pointed out.

Blaine twitched out a faint smile and wrinkled his nose again. "I'm sure yours is the best in the world, Kurt, but that doesn't stop it from making me feel like I can't get it off my teeth, no matter how much I brush them after."

"Mmm," Kurt replied, because he liked the glossy feel of the milk and the way it coated his mouth beyond the sip itself, but he wouldn't be able to convince Blaine of the magic of it if he refused to try it. "Finn has grown to like it. It's very soothing. It always helps me sleep. Finn says it helps him, too."

"Okay, but I don't need help sleeping," Blaine told him.

Kurt narrowed his eyes. He didn't know how that could be true, given how worn out Blaine looked as well as the fact that Kurt found his own mind spinning a mile a minute most nights and Blaine had even more energy bubbling in him than Kurt did. They both needed to force themselves to relax. Kurt didn't know how he'd sleep at all if he didn't have such a soothing bedtime skin care routine.

He had thought he might feel less frantic the closer he got to the end of the year, but in fact the more the reality of graduating and heading to New York - he hoped - was settling in the more excited he was about what lay ahead. The end of the high school was approaching, and the world was out there waiting for him. He wouldn't be held down by Lima anymore.

It would probably only get worse once he was in New York, he realized. With classes and auditions, new shows to see, new shops to find, new music to learn, and new teachers to impress in the great, bustling, theater-rich city, Kurt was going to be constantly dizzy with excitement. He'd need to unwind even more.

He'd have to keep up his nightly warm milk time once he moved, maybe find another guided meditation CD or two. Lying or sitting quietly with headphones in his ears probably wouldn't be too difficult to manage; finding a place to heat the milk would be harder, since putting it in a dorm microwave would leave it open to scalding, as well as contamination from whatever else people might have cooked in there.

"I need a hot plate," he decided with a nod.

Blaine turned his attention away from his coffee and back to Kurt. "Right now?"

"No. In New York."

"Oh."

"Although if I decide to share an apartment with Rachel and Finn we'll have a kitchen. I could warm milk properly on our stovetop, if she doesn't come up with a ridiculous rule about only allowing vegan food in the kitchen. Which she probably will." Kurt could only imagine how many crazy rules she would try to impose upon him and how much she would fight his own sensible ones, like how best to divide up the closets to maximize his wardrobe space. He sighed. "The dorms are suddenly looking far more appealing."

"I don't think most schools allow hot plates in the dorms," Blaine said slowly.

Kurt waved that objection away. "I can always sneak one in. I can't go without my warm milk just because of some stupid fire code meant to protect people from their own idiocy. Obviously I am smart enough not to put it on fabric or leave it unattended."

Blaine looked like he was going to argue, probably because he seemed genetically predisposed to follow rules and regulations, but he only shrugged again and had some more of his coffee. No wonder he hadn't wanted to talk for long the night before if he was feeling so worn out.

Kurt knew just how to perk him up. "Speaking of eating," he said, nudging Blaine's shin with the toe of his boot under the table. "What about lunch?"

"Hmm?" Blaine glanced back at him. There was a faint furrow between his brows, like he was thinking of something serious; maybe he had a quiz, although Kurt didn't remember him mentioning it.

"Lunch," Kurt prompted with a smile. "What do you think?"

"I think I... like lunch?"

"Good." Kurt sat up straighter, feeling a giddy high rush through him at the thought of getting some extra time with Blaine. They didn't usually have lunch together on Thursdays because their schedules didn't overlap, but today he could make it happen. It would give them a chance to catch up and spend a little more time together. It had felt like they'd been going in opposite directions for a couple of weeks. This would be a perfect treat for them both, give them the extra boost they each needed. "We're doing a study session in the library during History for our term papers, so I'll leave early. Mr. Sullivan won't care. Save me a seat next to you?"

Blaine twirled his cup on the table before letting his hand fall away into his lap. "I have plans at lunch today. Sorry." Kurt's smile dimmed. "Puck wants some help with a song. I don't really know the details, but he texted me about it like eight times last night."

"Oh." Kurt toyed with his own cup. He knew he shouldn't be too disappointed; it wasn't like Blaine had known Kurt would be free, and as much as he wanted to, Kurt knew it wasn't _quite_ reasonable for him to ask Blaine to put him above Puck and his stupid song. Even if it was probably Puck's texting that had made it so hard for Blaine to sleep and made him so distant right then. "All right. Rachel wants my help going through Mr. Schuester's sheet music for the hundredth time, anyway; she's determined that she's overlooked the perfect backup call-back song in his files. I keep telling her if Mr. Schue has the music for it then it's the last song she should sing if she wants to get into NYADA."

"Mmm," Blaine replied.

Kurt bounced his foot beneath the table, part of his mind cataloging possible audition pieces for her. "And it isn't like Rachel doesn't already have the score for every piece Barbra has ever sung at home. Although I do wonder if the admissions committee will be burnt out on them, but she insists that as the second coming of Streisand she wants to start where she means to end up. Which is _fine_ unless everyone else has the exact same idea and the committee's ears start to bleed when she launches into the fifteenth version of 'Funny Girl' they've heard that day."

"If it's what she wants to sing…"

"You're right," Kurt agreed immediately, following the rest of Blaine's thought. "Obviously her passion will show through as well as her talent if she's happy with her song choice, but this is NYADA, Blaine. This is everything. We have to stand out. We saw how amazing the other applicants are; she needs to be smart about it. This is our _future_."

"Yeah." Blaine looked out the window again and then without any preamble set down his cup and pushed back in his chair. He grabbed his bag and stood up, asking politely, "Ready to go?"

Puzzled by the abruptness, Kurt nodded and mirrored his actions more slowly. They'd been discussing a very important topic, and it wasn't like Blaine not to listen. "Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"I'll be just fine, Kurt," Blaine said, tossing his cup into the trash and waiting for Kurt to fall into step beside him. "Let's get to school."

 

2.

"You will not believe this," Kurt said, thumbing out a quick reply on his phone as Blaine came over to his locker after lunch early the next week. He shook his head at Mercedes' next incoming text, and he clicked over to all caps to finish his response to her.

"What's that?" Blaine leaned his shoulder against the next door over and raised his eyebrows in inquiry.

"Mercedes is _insane_. She insists she's never going to ride the subway," Kurt said. He pressed send and re-pocketed his phone. "I just had to crush her dreams of taking taxis everywhere in New York, because not only will she _not_ be able to afford them as a student but there's also this thing called rush hour that turns the grid into grid _lock_."

"Oh, did she hear from NYU?" Blaine asked, watching him as patiently as ever while Kurt shuffled the appropriate books in and out of his bag.

Kurt shook his head. "No, but I believe in planning ahead. These are important things for her to understand."

Blaine readjusted his bag on his own shoulder.

"Besides - " Kurt slid his math book into his bag and shut his locker door. " - she will at least have to visit, even if she goes to school somewhere else. She can't just arrive in New York and hope for the best. The city will eat her alive."

Blaine waved down the hallway, and Kurt glanced over his shoulder to see Tina waving back. He shot her a smile and then turned to back Blaine, clutching at his bag strap and rocking forward onto his toes. "I have news," he announced, trying but failing to hide his delight. He couldn't. This was great news. This was the _best_ news.

Tilting his head, Blaine waited. He didn't look as excited as Kurt felt - in fact, he didn't look excited at all - but then he didn't know what the news _was_.

"Finn just told me he's going over to Rachel's for dinner." Kurt leaned in and said more softly, "We'll have at least an hour and a half before Carole gets home." His pulse sped up just thinking of it. As much as he loved spending time with Blaine anywhere, they didn't get as much time alone as either of them wanted. These days it felt like they didn't get enough time together at all outside of school. This was an unexpected opportunity. Even if they didn't take _full_ advantage of the time, just being able to curl up around and on top of Blaine on Kurt's bed and get a taste of the warm vee of skin at the base of Blaine's throat that was exposed when Kurt slipped off his tie and got a few buttons open, well...

Kurt could feel his cheeks growing heated at the thought of the way Blaine groaned like it was being dragged from him when Kurt sucked beneath his jaw, and he dragged his eyes back up to Blaine's from the tempting column of his neck.

"I thought we told Mike and Tina we'd meet up to play DDR at the arcade this afternoon," Blaine said, his brow furrowing.

"Trust me," Kurt said with a low laugh at how much he knew Tina valued her time alone with her own boyfriend. "They will understand."

Blaine rubbed at a scuff mark on the floor with the toe of his shoe. "It doesn't seem right to blow off our friends."

"We'd have the house to ourselves, Blaine," Kurt reminded him, although the bubbles in his chest were starting to go flat at Blaine's reaction or lack thereof. He still didn't look excited. Given the way Blaine used to take every possible chance to steal a kiss or nuzzle against his ear when they had even ten seconds without anyone watching, he had thought Blaine would jump on the opportunity. (And possibly jump on _him_.) "We haven't had that in a while, not this much time."

"I know," Blaine said, his eyes deep and soft as they flicked up to Kurt's.

Kurt leaned in even closer, admitting in a murmur, "I've missed it. I've missed you."

Blaine's mouth compressed like he was holding back some emotion, and he nodded. "And you know how I feel about that shirt you're wearing, but..." He trailed off; Kurt surreptitiously tilted his hip and threw his chest out a little to show off the lines of the garment, just to try to stack the deck in his favor. He'd picked it out specially that morning to try to get Blaine's attention. Blaine looked away for a second, a flush rising on his cheeks. He cleared his throat and said in a more normal pitch, "They're our friends. It would be rude." There was a finality to it like a closing door.

"You know they'd do it to us," Kurt said. The power was fading from his voice, though. Blaine was saying no to the opportunity - to _him_ \- so that they could play Dance Dance Revolution, which Kurt wasn't even all that good at, anyway.

"It's still not okay, Kurt. We'd be upset if they did, and we promised."

Kurt sighed and slumped back against his locker, unable to argue with the light of politeness in Blaine's eyes. His point was also fair, even if Kurt didn't like it. "I know. You're right." Mike and Tina didn't deserve to be blown off, no matter how much Kurt wanted to enjoy some time with Blaine while it was still such an easy thing to sneak off and take it.

Still, it rankled. Wasn't Blaine supposed to be all over the idea of spending time alone with him? Wasn't that what teenagers were programmed to do? Maybe this was what it meant to grow up, having to think with your head instead of your hormones.

If so, Kurt wasn't sure this was an area he was quite ready to be an adult in. But he didn't have a choice, not if Blaine was going to be one.

"Okay," Kurt said with another sigh. "We'll play DDR. But you're buying me something from Jamba Juice even if you win."

Blaine patted his arm, like a smoothie could make up for a missed opportunity for some serious making out. "It's a deal. I'll give you Mike, too," he offered. "Tina and I will be a team."

It was a heartening idea; Mike was a stronger dancer than Tina, and Blaine could get too enthusiastic when he got into the music. DDR required precision. If Kurt stayed focused, he and Mike could do very well. Maybe he _should_ negotiate a reward for winning. He found himself standing up straighter with the thought. "Juniors vs. Seniors," Kurt said happily.

"Exactly," Blaine said with a nod, gesturing down the hallway toward the choir room as the bell rang. "We have to stick together, after all."

 

3.

"Hey, Kurt." Blaine's voice was subdued when he picked up Kurt's call, but Kurt could still hear the smile in his voice.

"Hello to you," Kurt replied, squinting at his own face in his vanity mirror to decide which level of moisturization he needed. It might be a night for a heavy duty mask before bed to refresh his skin. "How was the concert?"

"Good," Blaine said. "You would have - well, you probably would have hated the music, because there was no passion in it at all despite it being Rachmaninov, but you would have loved watching all of my parents' friends show off to each other via expensive and ugly clothing. The wraps alone would have kept you entertained all evening."

"You should have texted me pictures. Then I could have enjoyed the spectacle, and you could have enjoyed my comments on them."

"Yeah," Blaine said with a sigh, like he regretted not thinking of it. "I'll have to remember that."

"I'm still not sure why you had to go." Kurt peered closer and decided he needed a pore-minimizing treatment, too. "It's not like _you_ were giving any money to the charity."

"It's traditional. My mom's on the committee, and I've always gone. I told you that."

Kurt began to sort through his bottles to find the right products. "I know. It just seems a shame you couldn't do something else with your time than stand around with a bunch of stuffy businessmen making small talk about music they couldn't even understand." Something else like going out to dinner with _him_ , for example.

"Mm."

That vague sound was apparently all Blaine had to say, and Kurt stopped what he was doing after a minute or two of them breathing at each other. He was used to Blaine's full attention on the phone. He was used to Blaine's full attention everywhere, or at least he had been until recent weeks. He was _not_ used to Blaine drifting off while they were talking, at least not when it wasn't very late at night, and he was fairly certain he could hear the sound of typing coming down the line. Kurt wasn't sure why he was being tuned out, but he did not like it at all. One of the things he liked best about Blaine was the way Blaine had always been so attentive to him, even when they'd just been friends.

"You sound distracted," he said pointedly. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Sorry." Blaine took a breath and sounded more focused when he spoke again. "Cooper discovered lolcats today, and he's e-mailing me every single one on the internet, as far as I can tell. One at a time. And if I don't reply almost immediately he forwards them again with a lot of exclamation points. It's really annoying."

It wasn't the best reason for ignoring a boyfriend Kurt had ever heard, but at least it was a reason. "I seem to remember you doing something similar last year."

Blaine laughed softly. "And _you_ told me _I_ was annoying."

"True," Kurt replied. "You were."

Blaine laughed again, the sound trailing off into something less than happy. Kurt tapped his fingers on the top of his vanity and sighed as the silence stretched. Since when was their conversation stilted? He knew he was as full of ideas as ever, but Blaine seemed to be lagging behind. Then again, he'd gone through a lot in the past few months - finding his place in New Directions, being nearly blinded, dealing with his handsome and talented older brother... Maybe Blaine needed a break from all of his personal stress so that they could have time to focus on each other. Kurt had just the idea.

"What are you doing tomorrow afternoon?" he asked.

"I don't know."

"I thought we could drive to the other side of town, go to that bakery you like - you know, the one with the black and white cookies the size of a salad plate..." Kurt let his voice lift into a tempting sing-song lilt.

"Well, I - " Blaine sounded at least a little interested, so Kurt delivered the coup-de-grace: bow ties.

"The men's shop over there is going out of business, and I _heard_ they've marked down everything. Maybe you could find a few new pieces for yourself while I scour the racks for the gems they have hidden away. They have lots of accessories. Hats, ties, belts, cuff links... Remember when I got that amazing zebra-stripe tie there over the summer? I'm still not sure why they had it, but I think one of their buyers has a repressed desire to be in New York. I thought I might be able to get a head start on my shopping for next year. Nothing too trendy, of course, but a good basic shirt or jacket can last beyond a single season. And I know how you feel about a bow tie."

"I'm not sure." It wasn't a no, but the hesitation in his voice was far from a yes.

Kurt determinedly heightened the lilt in his voice. "I promise the trip will be entirely lolcat-free..."

Blaine took another deep breath while Kurt waited impatiently on the other end of the line, and then he said in a tone of resigned apology, "Kurt, I have a lot of homework."

Kurt drew himself up short. "But it's a sale, Blaine," he said. "On ties." Not to go was unthinkable.

"I know. I know you wouldn't miss it for anything, but I have work to do."

A small, bitter part of Kurt wanted to throw at Blaine the fact that if he didn't want to go shopping with Kurt he knew another boy who would love to, but Kurt didn't let himself. Blaine didn't need to know about Chandler, and Kurt didn't want to spend the time with him, anyway, not really. He wanted to spend it with Blaine. The problem was that Blaine would rather do homework than go shopping with him.

"I see," he said instead and told himself firmly that Blaine was being smart to focus on his grades if he was going to follow him to New York. He shouldn't be hurt by it. Blaine was being smart and making good decisions for his future. Kurt should support that.

He just wished it didn't make him feel less important and special.

"I'm sorry," Blaine said, his voice low and gentle, almost like it was when he was murmuring directly into Kurt's ear. "You'll have to send me a picture of what you find."

"All right," Kurt replied, pulling out his favorite exfoliating scrub, too. He was going to make his skin _perfect_ , even if Blaine probably wouldn't notice. He wasn't the only person looking at Kurt. "Do you want me to look for anything for you?"

"No, I'm okay with what I have."

"Suit yourself."

The next day when he found the Gucci tie marked down to thirty percent of its original price, it wasn't Blaine Kurt texted with the picture. It was Chandler, who texted back immediately with a response in all caps and a half-dozen exclamation points about how perfect it - and Kurt's eye for fashion, and his eyes in general - was.

At least someone appreciated him for his ability to find an exquisite bargain.

And for the color of his eyes.

 

4.

Kurt had once heard that when you were in enough pain, like if you fell from a tall building or were run over by a train, your body went into shock, and you couldn't feel anything at all. The pain was so much you went totally numb.

As he walked to his locker alone after Glee, after Blaine had sung that _song_ to _him_ , he wished he'd reached that point. Every bit of him was a jagged-edged, gnawing ache like he was being hollowed out from the inside.

Blaine was so hurt and angry that he'd blasted him through music and had taken all of Kurt's friends with him because of it, all of them piling onto Blaine's side without even caring that Kurt hadn't done _anything_ but text with another boy. Half of them sent flirty texts to people they weren't dating as part of their morning wake-up routines. Blaine had done the exact same thing by being in contact with Sebastian, and Sebastian had been perfectly clear to Kurt just what his intentions were to Kurt's boyfriend. It was completely unfair.

To have Blaine blast out his emotions in song like that, more blunt and hard than he would ever be in conversation, was devastating. Kurt was used to Blaine's eyes being soft and kind, not cutting and dismissive. It didn't matter that Kurt hadn't done anything; Blaine seemed determined to hate him, anyway. If the song was correct, then he might even want to break up with Kurt over it, which was one of the stupidest things Kurt had ever heard. It made his bruised heart bleed to think they could lose everything they had, everything they were, over a simple, innocent -

He spun his lock again, jerking it against the door until it opened. He wasn't the one blowing this out of proportion. _He_ wasn't the one who treated the depth of their relationship, the precious specialness of it, like it was the same as Rory being sorry for forgetting his three-and-a-half-week anniversary with Sugar and standing up in front of them all to sing some Irish song nobody understood the words to but him while she cooed and squealed in the front row.

Blaine had decided, instead of talking like the mature adults Kurt had thought they were, to cheapen everything they had by airing their dirty laundry in front of all of their friends. He'd decided to judge Kurt without really listening to him. He'd decided not only to push Kurt away but to separate him from their friends, too, by making them all focus on _him_ , like his was the only side of the story. He'd made their relationship just as simplistic, fragile, and public as the rest of the ones around them, the ones that Kurt had pitied because they weren't as real, solid, and true as what he had. He guessed Blaine didn't see the difference.

A part of Kurt still couldn't believe Blaine would do any of it. He couldn't believe Blaine would do that when they were so much to each other. But Blaine had. He had stood in front of them all and sung out his rage, and Kurt had had to sit there and _take_ it as his friends stared and the boy who was supposedly in love with him accused him of things he hadn't done and said he'd rather be alone than with him and -

Drawing in a breath that shook with betrayal and despair, Kurt pulled himself upright as he heard voices around the corner of the hallway. He'd know them both anywhere: Rachel, Blaine. He considered making a quick exit, but he didn't have his books and, more importantly, Kurt Hummel didn't run. He stood tall and defiant. He held his head high. He was not going to flee the school like he had anything to hide. He didn't.

And maybe, just maybe, now that Blaine had gotten his anger out, his words flung at Kurt like the blows he might give a punching bag, he would finally be calm enough to talk and to listen. Kurt wanted to talk. He was ready for it. Although, after that performance, he had that much more to say.

So Kurt didn't walk away. He stood his ground to meet Blaine halfway and let them fix the problem.

He made a languorous production of picking out his books. He heard Blaine and Rachel stop, probably at the water fountain, given the sudden descent of Rachel's speech into a gurgle and then silence, and then the two of them turned the bend. Kurt pulled his French notebook from his bag and looked over at them both, his body language as cool as he could make it. Rachel's mouth flattened, and she made an expressive wide-eyed face at him that seemed part sympathy and part I-told-you-so. Kurt glared back before shifting his eyes to Blaine.

Blaine was handsome as ever and held tight with emotion in a way that made Kurt's heart ache... and as he approached he did not even acknowledge with the minutest slide of an eye that Kurt was in the same building, nevertheless five feet from him.

Kurt was standing there despite how hurt he was, waiting for Blaine to come to him, and Blaine walked right past, like he hadn't told Kurt only a month ago, wrapped around him in bed so tightly as they panted for air that Kurt could barely breathe, that he filled all of the holes in Blaine's heart.

But it seemed clear that Blaine didn't want him to anymore, not if he was no longer even willing to listen or give him the benefit of the doubt.

Kurt turned back to his locker as Blaine passed by him. He didn't want to see the clench of Blaine's jaw when he wasn't welcome to reach out and touch it. He didn't want to watch Blaine's confident stride when Blaine wouldn't smile over if Kurt fell into step beside him. He didn't want to look at Blaine not looking at him.

Kurt knew that Blaine's anger could burn like a bonfire once it caught, the force of its power only overshadowed by the passion with which he could love, but still… Kurt had waited, and Blaine had just walked by. Kurt had been willing to meet halfway, and Blaine had not.

He couldn't remember the last time Blaine had not met him, had not tried. Had he ever not tried? Was this what they were now?

Blaine didn't want to look at him. He didn't want to talk to him. And the only reason Rachel was even meeting Kurt's eyes was to point out the faults she believed he had.

When they were beyond him, their footsteps echoing like a passing army in the empty hallway, Kurt let his head fall forward behind the meager shelter of his locker door, closed his eyes, and hitched in a quiet breath. These were supposed to be the last few amazing months of his incredible Senior year before he went to New York. This was supposed to be a time of triumph surrounded by his friends. This was supposed to be a time of hope and joy shared with his amazing and loving boyfriend.

Instead, he couldn't remember when he'd last felt so alone.

After a moment, Kurt pulled himself back upright, closed his locker like he could seal all of his hurt inside of it, too, and settled his bag on his shoulder. He didn't look back as he walked in the opposite direction from his apparently former best friends. He couldn't look back at what he was supposed to have. He couldn't dwell. It wouldn't do him any good. He could only look forward, toward NYADA, toward New York.

It was time to start thinking about what he would take with him and what had to be left behind.

 

5.

The next afternoon, Kurt walked slowly to his car after Glee Club. He felt wrung out and bordering on hopeless, no matter how much he tried to avoid giving into the latter. He'd decided not to go down without a fight. He didn't want to. He didn't know how not to. So he'd sung out his heart to Blaine in a way he never had made himself vulnerable for anyone, especially not in public, and yet, despite the tears Blaine had had in his eyes by the end of the song, Blaine had slipped out of the room without speaking to him as soon as the period was over.

Blaine had walked away again.

Kurt was at a loss. He knew Blaine was upset with him, but he'd put himself out there in front of all of their friends to try to get Blaine to see how important he was to Kurt, and... a vulnerable look and a little applause wasn't nothing, he supposed, because it showed there was a crack in the wall Blaine had erected around himself, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't going to be enough until Blaine was back to looking at him like Kurt could walk on water and out-sing Patti LuPone. It wasn't going to be enough until Kurt could feel the tension draining from Blaine's muscles the second Kurt had his arms around him. It wasn't going to be enough until they were back to what they'd always been before.

Kurt just didn't know how to get there.

His steps slowed further as he turned toward his car in the parking lot and saw Blaine two rows away talking with Mike. Blaine was shaking his head definitively like he was arguing with whatever Mike was saying, which Kurt wanted to take as a good sign; although he'd kept his eyes fixed on Blaine throughout the entire song, daring him to look anywhere but at him, he'd seen the way Mike had glanced back at him. Kurt had made his point strongly enough that others were moved by it. Maybe they'd help Blaine hear what Kurt was trying to tell him.

Blaine looked up and met Kurt's eyes across the lot, and Kurt stopped in his tracks with his hand in his bag searching for his keys. Blaine froze, too, his face softening for a moment in a way that made Kurt's heart pound with hope, and then Blaine's expression went pinched, and he turned back toward Mike.

Kurt felt the rejection like a slap to the face, and he stared helplessly at Blaine's profile for a long moment before Blaine got into his car with only a little flicker of his eyes in Kurt's direction.

That flicker should have been encouraging, Kurt knew, but it wasn't enough. He wanted _everything_ ; that Blaine was willing to look at him for a fraction of a second hardly counted. It wasn't the relationship he wanted. It wasn't the boyfriend he wanted. It wasn't the trust and love he knew he still deserved.

How could he make Blaine see that? What else could he possibly do? He'd tried explaining his side of things. He'd tried exposing the very depths of his heart through song. He was _not_ going to beg. He didn't think time would fix it on its own. What else was left?

"Kurt? _Kurt_?"

Kurt blinked himself out of his thoughts at the sweet but insistent voice of Miss Pillsbury coming from beside him.

"You're standing behind my car," she explained apologetically.

"Oh. I'm sorry." He stepped back so that she would be able to pull out of the space, but she made no move to get into her car.

"Are you all right?" she asked, clasping her arms neatly around the accordion folder she was holding and tilting her head as she watched him.

Kurt wanted to say yes and escape, but there was something in her kind eyes that drew him in. His life felt desperately short of kindness. "Blaine and I are having problems," he said. He tried to sound nonchalant, but he wasn't sure what she heard because her face melted into something even more sympathetic.

"Oh!" She looked back toward the school. "Do you want to go to my office? I might have a pamphlet you both could read - "

"That would require him to be willing to listen to anyone but himself," Kurt said with a bitter edge to the thought.

"Well, I definitely have a pamphlet about that. Although I have to say that doesn't sound like the Blaine I know."

Kurt shrugged despite agreeing with her. "Apparently when he's upset his ears stop working."

"Sometimes people need to talk first before they can listen," she said. "Have you tried listening to him?"

"I - " Kurt paused for a second. Had he listened to Blaine? He'd listened to enough of his accusations to know they were absurd. "He's being crazy about this. He is jumping to conclusions, and I don't know what to do to make him listen to - "

"Kurt," Miss Pillsbury said gently, "he may still need to say it all, anyway. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong if you aren't listening to each other. I can teach you some active listening techniques so that he feels like you're really hearing him. I-statements, mirroring, building on commonalities to resolve your differences, that sort of thing. It's very effective."

Of course it mattered who was right and wrong, because Kurt was _right_ , but he considered the idea, anyway. Maybe he did need to hold his tongue and let Blaine speak first, and then Kurt could tell him exactly why he was wrong. There was just one problem. "He'd have to be willing to talk to me," he said. It was a discouraging thought to know that Blaine, the boy who had been there for him since the moment they met, would probably reject him now if he called.

He took in a slow breath and let it out. He was going to stay calm. This was not, in fact, the end of the world, no matter how it felt when he looked at it in the right light.

"I could help with that," she offered. "Would you two like to come to my office? I could offer some non-judgmental thoughts, maybe help you both to hear what the other is saying?"

Her smile was so warm and encouraging that Kurt's instinct was to jump on the offer, no matter how little he wanted their relationship to be hashed out in front of anyone else. But then it was too late to keep it private, and Blaine almost always responded positively to people in authority, which would make things easier when she explained to him how crazy he was being.

"There's nothing wrong with a couple needing a little help, Kurt," she said even more gently. "It's a very mature thing to do, actually, to seek out a professional when things get difficult."

Kurt wanted to say yes. He didn't know what else to do if he could sing a song that challenged Blaine wanting to walk away from everything they had and Blaine still _had_ , even if it was just to drive home. But there was one problem. "I don't think he'll go if I ask," he admitted, the words some of the hardest he'd ever said, because they showed just how broken everything had become.

"It's worth a try, isn't it? Maybe text or e-mail if you're having trouble communicating face-to-face?"

Adjusting his bag strap where it lay heavily on his shoulder, Kurt said, "I'm not sure he'd even read a text if I sent it."

"Okay. Hmm. That's a pickle." Miss Pillsbury hugged her folder to her chest thoughtfully for a moment and then brightened. "I know! I can call him down to my office, myself; he won't say no to _that_. And you and I can go over active listening beforehand so you'll be ready for him."

It seemed a little unfair to ambush Blaine like that, but Kurt wasn't worried about fair anymore. He was worried about his heart breaking entirely. He was worried about losing his best friend and his boyfriend. He was worried about losing Blaine. He knew he could survive without him, but he didn't _want_ to. He just wanted Blaine to listen to him. If he had to speak in jargon and enlist Miss Pillbury's help to get through to Blaine, it would be worth it in the end.

"Kurt?"

"Let's do it," he said, and his own smile was weak but genuine when she beamed in response. He had a plan. He wasn't out of options yet.

 

+1.

Kurt watched Blaine from the corner of his eye as they gathered their bags and left Miss Pillsbury's office. The worst of the storm seemed to have passed, Blaine's anger had shifted into the most achingly vulnerable sadness and insecurity right before Kurt's eyes, but Kurt still didn't know what to do. He didn't know if what he'd said was enough for Blaine; obviously what he'd been doing before, which was just assuming that they'd figure things out and give it their all like they always did, _hadn't_ been enough.

So he watched, worried, though more worried now about how Blaine was hurting than the state of his own heart. He knew Blaine still loved him; he'd seen it in his eyes as much as he'd heard the words from Blaine's mouth. He just didn't know the right way to break the silence, to keep reassuring Blaine, to keep them on this common ground. At least it wasn't the silence of being shut out.

"I know it's been a rough week for us, but I'm not going to bite, Kurt," Blaine said, a ghost of humor coloring the words. He sounded a little worried, too, and Kurt could only assume it was about what Kurt's own reaction might be now that they were away from the large and gentle if at times misguided eyes of Miss Pillsbury.

"Neither am I," Kurt promised. "No innuendo implied." He glanced over again, wondering if even that was too far, if their hearts were too raw. Blaine was ducking his head and grinning a little, though, and Kurt's confidence was bolstered to see it.

They drew to a halt by Blaine's locker, and Blaine quickly sorted through his books. "Thank you," he said quietly, meeting Kurt's eyes for a second.

"For what?" Kurt asked, surprised.

"That. The counseling. It was a good idea."

Kurt drew himself up and smiled to himself as he felt some of the tension in his body release. It _had_ been a good idea, even if it hadn't quite gone as he'd expected. "Thank you."

"It got us talking. Which we... weren't." Blaine shut his locker door and nodded down the hall toward Kurt's.

"We always do better when we talk," Kurt said, leading the way. The world felt a little more bright with Blaine at his side where he belonged, but he didn't speed up his steps despite the lift in his mood. He didn't want to pull even an inch further away than he had to.

"I know. I'm sorry. I just - I was trying to figure it out alone."

Kurt stopped, turning to face him in the empty corridor. "You don't have to apologize again," he insisted. "It's my fault, too. Not just about Chandler. As excited as I am about New York, and I can't hide that I am, I haven't been talking about the hard parts. Honestly, Blaine, I hate that you're not coming with me this year. I _hate_ it." It ate at him when he thought of it, that he wouldn't be able to have a coffee date when he wanted one or hold hands before rehearsal. He wouldn't be greeted every morning by a smile that warmed him to his toes or find a heart scribbled on a piece of paper that had been tucked into his locker between periods. He wouldn't have his best friend at his side to hug him as well as listen when things got hard or even really good. He wouldn't have Blaine's admiring face to focus on and cheer him on when he performed. He wouldn't have all of the little moments he'd gotten so used to. He could survive without them, but he didn't _like_ it. "I know it's not the same, but I still understand."

Blaine nodded, his eyes fixed on Kurt's face like he held the most important secrets of the universe.

"But we are going to make it work, Blaine," Kurt told him firmly, because they had to. They had to. "Right?"

Blaine nodded again. "Yes," he whispered. "I want to."

"And so do I," Kurt said. "So we will. We will make it work. And if it's not working, we are going to _talk_ about it until it does."

"Okay." Blaine offered a little smile, more hopeful than he'd looked in weeks.

Even more determined now that he could see how they could overcome any obstacles in their path, Kurt continued down the hall, and Blaine fell into step beside him again just like he always did. "I'm serious. No complaint is too small. If I need to move our Skype date back an hour so I can watch _America's Next Top Model_ in real time, for example."

"Or move it forward so we can watch it together," Blaine said, which made Kurt smile back, because he knew just how Blaine felt about Tyra Banks.

"Exactly." Kurt let himself think about the very real worries Blaine had expressed in the office. He let himself feel how lonely Blaine thought he was going to be when Kurt was gone. It was the last thing he wanted for Blaine. He knew how toxic loneliness could be, even if he also knew Blaine wasn't going to be alone at all. It didn't stop Blaine's concerns. "Or if you think I'm not paying enough attention to you," he said. "Because I know it's not always going to be easy, Blaine, but that I love you and want you is never going to be a question for me. Never. You have to let me know if it becomes one for you. If you aren't absolutely certain that I do."

"It's not - " Blaine quieted at Kurt's look.

"We can't do this without being honest. Isn't that what we learned here?"

Blaine slid into his usual place beside Kurt's locker and said, "You're right. I promise. And I want you to promise me the same thing."

Kurt looked over at Blaine's intent, beloved face and wished with all of his heart that he'd be able to see it every day for the next year like he'd gotten used to. But he wouldn't, not in person, and he knew just how lost and lonely he'd been growing for weeks even with the little bit of distance between them, so he said, "I promise."

"Thank you," Blaine said thickly. He looked down and fiddled with the closure on his bag, keeping himself together, as Kurt grabbed a few books and shut his locker.

Kurt wasn't sure that he had everything he was supposed for his schoolwork, but what he _needed_ was far more clear. He wanted more tangible proof that things were okay between them. He wanted to _make_ Blaine be okay. He wanted to hold Blaine until Blaine melted in his arms and smiled his easy, dopey smile and kissed him back until they forgot everything else. He wanted to feel Blaine's arms tight around him, Blaine's hair and breath against his cheek, Blaine's soft murmurs of affection against his skin. He wanted to laugh and to be close and to be _them_ for a little while. He wanted Blaine to believe him when he told him just how much he loved him. He wanted to feel Blaine's love, too.

He knew it wasn't that simple to solve things, and he knew they'd have to talk some more about what happened and why for them both, but he at least could offer to start the process. Blaine needed it. _Kurt_ needed it.

"Blaine?" he asked softly, waiting until Blaine's eyes flicked back up to him. "Carole is going out with some friends for dinner tonight, and Finn will be with Puck. Do you want to come over?" When Blaine didn't immediately respond, Kurt added around the sudden lump in his throat, "Or if you have homework, we can go to the library or the Lima Bean... or I can just let you go home, and I'll - "

"Kurt." Blaine's voice was quiet, firm, and filled with his familiar doting humor.

"Yes?" Kurt said, his heart pounding in his chest, when Blaine didn't go on.

Blaine still didn't say anything else, but he smiled like a sunrise and held out his hand to Kurt.

Relief making his head spin, Kurt smiled back and drew in a full, happy breath for the first time in what felt like weeks.

He slid his hand into Blaine's and held on tightly as they walked out of the school together.


End file.
